Myself when I am real

Was I by pantheistic destiny – at a specific time in number, star, planet, and position – at a specific place in latitude, logitude, and interval – fashioned a life, alike in every element, unalike in every nuance? Not a hero. Heroes are but champions, bound to cause and to constituency, in whose images they serve. Yet also not an anti-hero. Divergent, aberrant, outlaw, rebǝl – 独马单抢空做去 – One horse, one spear, into the void I quest. With precepts all my own, no guide, no guru, no path, questing, never finding, not here, upon the plain, perhaps in the mirage beyond, on the mountaintop above. Self-cultivated, multi-hyphenated hybrid – poet-warrior-sorcerer-sage.  Born in hell, though heaven striving, to escape the hurt, to quell the rage, I became alone. If freedom is but a fetter to a greater freedom, it is but the apparition of freedom. Freedom does not fear isolation. Able to withdraw from others, feeling no need whatsoever for their care, their celebrity, their charm, their companionship, their company, their compassion, their concern, their conversation, their curiosity, I am free. Because in silence and in solitude, I find serenity rather than loneliness, I am free. In being alone, I have learned fearlessness; I have learned to heal myself, to heal another. In the comfort of my seclusion, I have been released from the confining attachment to others. Reaching, never grasping; embracing, never clinging; everything I touch, opens unto me. I have come to know my true inviolability, my unerring vulnerability, my unassailable insuperability. No family, no friends, no home; exile, detachment, sagacity, my constant companions became. Passion, joy, and sorrow are feelings; emotion, only fear. A hermit with a lantern, my mysticism; believing the Divine, the Eternal, the Universal, might be encountered or known through individual spiritual experience initiated through intellectual contemplation and cultivation of that Power not my own, outside of me and greater than my own. Interest, fascination, infatuation, obsession, lying in mystery rather than identity. And within the realm of mystery, love – subsequent to courage, movement, and laughter, thus consequent, and most evolved. Love, granted only at that moment, that place, where truth and magic collide.

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