Unfolding

In my dream, too, as we got closer; we began to feel one another sexually.

After just a few sessions, you casually placed your hand on mine.

Without removing my hand, looking into your eyes. I asked you, ‘Do you know what you are doing?’

You took your hand away, and replied, ‘Oh, nothing, I was just…’

‘That might work in China, but not in the West. You must be deliberate. No action is initiated passively. Tell me, honestly, why did you put your hand on mine? There is no incorrect answer except no answer at all. You are certainly aware of your motivation. Can it be that you are too shy to admit it? I will not suggest a response that you might accept, though I have several in mind. We have been honest with one another so far. Shall we continue in that vein?’

You withdrew into yourself as if scolded. You did not answer.

Realizing that I would get nowhere with that approach, I reached out to you, and placed my hand on yours. I then pulled you to me, and kissed you on the mouth. I was passionate. I lingered ’til you began to return my kiss. I drew you to me, still kissing you. When my kiss, becoming our kiss, had reached its natural conclusion, still holding your hands, looking into your eyes, I said, ‘Ask me why I put my hand on your hand. Ask me why I kissed you. Ask me why I held you to me.’

‘Why?’

‘Because every day I am growing ever more fond of you. To say, “I like you,” is not enough. I am falling for you. Falling? Yes, falling in love. And what does that mean? It means, first, that I want to fuck you. It means, secondly, that I want to continue to fuck you. It means thirdly, that I never want to stop fucking you. Beyond that, it means that you have become dear to me, and I want to care for you. It is not all about sex. I miss you when I am not with you. I miss you with the urgency of sex, and also with the tenderness of longing. I know that’s crazy, but that’s how it is.’

‘This is one of those liberties I spoke about earlier. It is not that I have been afraid to tell you these things. I have no fears. It is that we cannot allow this to compromise my teaching, to compromise your study.’

‘In the West, we own our feelings. I don’t believe that you were just flirting when you put your hand on mine. I believe that you were trying to express something you were not sure how to express. It is okay to stumble, to fumble, to be unsure. Say, “I don’t know what I’m doing, but I’m going to do it, anyway.”‘

‘The two major approaches to languages – the descriptive and the functional – are strangely relevant here. The descriptive approach reduces everything to its most basic elements – its most fundamental morphological elements, its most integral syntactical structures, its most definitive phonological nuances, its most intrinsic semantic essences. The functional approach, while not dismissing any of those descriptive components, grants function preference over form. One, then, concentrates on phrases of specific functionality rather than on the constituents of those phrases. Language is fluid. When phrases are learned, sense concurs with rhythm, with cadence, with flow, ensuring comprehension in the listener.’

‘Feelings are that way, too. Given the liberty, they speak for themselves. They are not governed by thought; so they are not constrained or distorted by the misleading emotion of fear. In demonstrations of functional spontaneity, disregarding any and all formal representation of intent, they unveil the hearts, the desires of their beholders. This is all part of learning a language, because it it all part of human communication.’

‘So, again, if I may, why did your place your hand on mine?’

‘Because I wanted to take a small break, to rest a few minutes, to pee, and, maybe, to fuck.’

‘You are such a fast learner. I am so proud of you. You had better pee first, then we can take care of the rest of that.